Cedward baked a cake!
by jasperissexy
Summary: well not really...but he does dazzle and confuse! Twilight/Harry Pothead...I mean Potter crossover. Prepared for all the randomness and OOCness. I know you will lurve it! T for language!
1. Chapter 1

**I was bored and I lurve crossovers…and bored and love of crossovers had a baby, and it became the story you are reading now. YAY! Hilarity is…as always...insured.**

**Post Breaking Dawn- 'cept no Reneesme, because I thought she just ruined everything :) and Post 4 Harry Pothead book (sorry, I just don't like Hairy Nutsack)**

EDPOV

"What the hell is that?" I said as I saw a huge castle suddenly appearing as we stepped out the forest. My family and I were hunting delicious mountain lions in London, as they have a richer flavor in London than they do in Forks, and suddenly, this god awful castle just pops up.

"Ew, Castles, are so, like, 3 centuries ago!" exclaimed Alice. We walked out into the large fields the castle was on, staring at things that looked like goal posts, except they were about 100 feet in the air.

"What the hale?" exclaimed Rose, as she saw some kids, who looked about 11 or 12 appear on the field, holding…WTF? Were they actually holding broomsticks? Suddenly my mind was filled with the thoughts of excited 11 year olds.

_I can't wait to learn to fly!_

_Maybe I'll be so good they'll ask me to join the Quidditch team!_

_Man, look at the sexy badonkadonk._

"I'd prefer, Emmett, if you'd stop thinking about Rose's behind," I glared at Emmett. Rose was my sister for crying out loud! Well not really, but you get the point.

"What are those poor children wearing?" Alice said with disgust.

Suddenly, a short woman with a manish walk came over to use.

"Excuse me, who are you?" she demanded.

"Who the hell are you?" retorted Rosalie.

"I am Madame Hooch(ie mama, muwahaha)! Who are you?" she demanded once again.

"I'm Edward Cullen," I said, and I did Bella's favorite half smile, and that dazzling thing she accuses me of. "These other people are my wife Bella, and my brothers Emmett, and Jasper, and my sisters, Rosalie, and Alice."

"Edward Cullen, hmm, I could've sworn you were…" he voice trailed off. However with my awesome mind reading skills, I knew what she was about to say. _That hunkalicious Cedric Diggory._

"Could you please tell us where we are?" asked Alice politely, even though her thoughts were quite violent, as they sometimes do when Alice sees a fashion disaster.

"Well you're at Hogwarts of course!"

"What the hale is a Hogswart?" demanded Emmett.

"The school of witchcraft of wizardry," she said matter-of-factly. _Even though they are very attractive, they obviously have mental problems_.

"I resent that!" I shouted accidentally answered her thought.

"Are you performing Occu-whats-it on me Mr. Cullen? Five points from…from…whatever house you belong to!" she yelled.

Everyone raised an eyebrow at the deranged woman. What was all this talk of points and houses? The woman was clearly insane. Suddenly, Alice's face went blank as she had a vision.

"We need to speak to some guy named Dubledwarf, or something," she said coming out of her trance.

"Indeed you do!" Madame Hooch huffed. "Twinkle Toes! Verwonka! Watch the class while I escort these visitors to the headmaster!" she commanded. As we walked by, us vampires did something incredibly sexy and everyone fainted because they suddenly forgot how to breathe.

**Rate! Review! Or I'll send Verwonka to come and eat you! She knows where you currently reside! Probably. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry it's been forever but there simply has been no time! But it'll be better soon I promise**

**Disclaimer: SM pwns Harry Potter, J.K. pwns nothing :D**

RPOV

This woman is obviously deranged, I thought, as we walked through the halls of the outdated castle. Edward nodded in agreement to my thoughts. I mean this woman was pointing a stick on us like a gun! She thought that her stick thingy could actually protect her against five super sexy vampires, and one Emmett.

Suddenly the woman stopped in front of a weird statue of a bird looking thingy, and yelled "Strawberry Fizzing Chocolate Lemon Drops!" Then the bird leaped aside and revealed a staircase. Emmett was so surprised, he karate-chopped the bird in half, leaving just a pile of rubble. "Sorry," he murmured, as Madame Hooch had just fainted in surprise. We let the strange woman be, and went up the stairs, unsure of what we would find.

"Ew, this décor, is so last season!" whined Alice, as she saw the contents of the room.

"Was this ever in season?" I exclaimed.

"Good point," she agreed.

Suddenly a strange man appeared from behind the bookshelf. "Hello," he said in a raspy voice, "My name is Albus Dumbledore, and may I ask…why I am honored by this odd visit?"

We all began stuttering, not sure what to say, I mean we couldn't just come out and say, oh yeah, were vampires, and we want to rape and pillage your land. Well we really didn't want to do the first part, but the second part was true.

Finally Mr. Edward, I have no secrets, Cullen, said "Well sir we are vampires, and we were hunting in the forest and then, SHAZAM! We see this monstrosity, and so here we are."

"Hmm, how peculiar. Let me go get my stake so I can kill you all, if you'd just stay right there…" and he began to walk away.

"Um, sir, I don't think a stake can kill us, as the normal vampire myths do not apply to use," squeaked Alice.

"Shit! Really? Then what the hell am I supposed to do?" he cried.

"We don't eat people if that helps, although we do have our doubts about Jazzy over there," said Emmett.

"Oh thank goodness. Well then what do you eat if you don't eat people?" he inquired.

"You know, the usual mountain lion and irritable grizzly," said Edward. Dumbledore nodded, as he seemed to understand everything, apparently the frail old man had lost a few marbles, but was intelligent.

"Well can I ask you to join us this year in our quest to defeat the powerful dark wizard Lord Voldemort?"

"Who's Lord Moldywarts?" asked Edward?

"Why, Cedric, you of all people should know as he killed you at the end of last term!"

"Who's this Cedric everyone keeps talking about, and why does everyone keep thinking I'm him?" Edward said frustrated.

"You're not Cedric? But...but you look just like him!" muttered Albus.

Edward began to sulk in the corner as he usually does, and then in order for this chapter to stay shortish, Dumbledork explained everything that needed to be explained to the sexy vampires in like 5 minutes, and then everyone was up to speed and knew errything that needed to be explained.

"So we have to help this Hairy Pothead kid defeat the crazy deranged Lord Voldy? Are for serious? I wanted to get a tan this weekend!" I exclaimed.

"Rose, you can't get a tan, as you're forever going to be part albino," said Emmett.

"Fo realz? Man this just keeps get worse and worse, I mean who in the hale wants to help a hairy teenager defeat a lunatic? Can't we just go all Buffy Summers on his ass?"

Dumbledore looked at me for a very long moment, and nodded "That's so crazy it just might work! Rose, you're a genius!"

"I know" I said.


	3. Chapter 3

**Holy shit on a muffin its been a long time since I have written anything for this story, as I had the deadly disease known as writers block, then I had my appendix out, then I just kinda forgot. :-P **

**Note: Italics means its in Harry Plopper's POV. Regular is the Cullen's POV**

_HPOV_

_I ran up to my two best friends in the world, Ron and Hermione, to tell them the latest piece of gossip I heard. "Did you know that Seamus has a girlfriend? And that they have actually, ya know, did it!" _

"_Le gasp! Are you saying that they actually…held hands?!" asked my unfortunate looking friend Ron._

"_No, it's much more scandalous! They actually…kissed!" I stammered. _

"_Oh my stars! That is absolutely disgusting!" said Hermione, who was also quite unfortunate looking? Why did I have such hideous friends? I mean I am Harry freaking Potter!_

"_Hey did you guys here that there are 6 vampires staying at Hogwarts?" asked Ron's older much more attractive twin brother's Fred and George._

"_Yawn" said Hermione. Vampires were boring compared to the scandal at hand._

"_Yeah, but they are so heart achingly attractive," said George._

"_Especially the blonde chick," said Fred._

_Suddenly the 6 vampires came in through the door of the common room. They were definitely very attractive. The blonde one was by far the hottest though, as Fred had said._

"_Ew, would you look at the décor of this place Rose? Who designed this place? Because they deserve to be shot," said the small dark haired vampire._

"_Ugh, I know, its like straight out of the 16__th__ Century, and hellooooo it's the 21__st__ century. Looks like we'll have to fix that, right Alice?" said the blonde who must've been Rose._

"_Fo' sho'" said Alice._

"_You! Prepubescent child! You're Harry Potter correct?" asked the guy with magnificent bronze locks shouted in my direction._

"_Y-y-y-yes," I stuttered._

"_We're gonna help you terminate that evil guy, um what's his name again?" he said_

"_Moldywarts, I think," said the guy with fluffy blonde hair._

"_No it was totally, Voldetart," said the scary big guy._

"_You mean Voldemort?" I whispered._

"_YES! That's it! Thanks kid," said the guy with bronze hair._

"_Well the prophecy said…" I began._

"_I don't give a damn what the fucking prophecy said, I just want to kick some dark lord ass!" said the scary guy again._

"_Language!" said Hermione shocked. Vulgar language was never used in Hogwarts. After all we were all about good vs. evil and friendship, not profanities or even worse…sex._

EDPOV

Were these kids serious? There thoughts were so innocent even though they were like 15 or 16 years old. And they had a complete spaz attack when Emmett swore. And apparently the biggest scandal was that some guy kissed his girlfriend.

"We do whatever the hell we want," said Rose, sneering at the girl with big bushy hair. The girl fainted from the exposure to all the swearing…probably.

"Can someone show us where are rooms are?" asked Emmett. "It's been like 5 minutes since Rosalie and I have had sex." The whole room became quiet and everyone's jaw was hanging open.

"Woah, chillax kiddies, we _are _married," said Emmett.

Still no one in the room moved.

"Fine guess we'll go find our own rooms," said Emmett, as he and Rose ran up the stairs.

"Erm, well just uh, leave now," said Alice as Jasper lead her up the stairs right behind Rose an Emmett.

"Edward, we should probably go too, these kids are just freaky," said Bella. I smiled as I kissed her passionately on the mouth and all the kids fainted. It was just too much for them. I laughed as Bella and I followed our family.


End file.
